I know that my councillor said that ‘the more you think about it, the more you are keeping it alive’ but when it’s something you suffer with almost 24/7, it is going to play on your mind a little bit – it’s so difficult just to forget you have phobias and anxiety and just pretend you’re fine, when you’re not.
Anxiety can literally spring up on me any time/date/place/situation it fancies. I can be having the time of my life and be in the most comfortable situation and something will just ping up in my head and before I know it – I’m full on freaking out. I think sometimes I get anxious when everything is going well, literally becaus everything is going well! My mind is constantly preparing myself for the worst, so when everything is fine and dandy, my mind is like hang on Laura, something bad is bound to happen if things are going this well.
I know fully well that this isn’t a sane way of thinking, it’s not normal – it’s pretty irrational but over time my mind has somehow got itself to this irrational state. So as I lay alone in my bed at 01:41 on a Monday morning – I think to myself why am I anxious? I’m in my own home, in my own bed, with my teddy and all of my belongings around me. My boyfriend isn’t home but will be shortly, why am I anxious?
This is what a lot of people struggle to understand about generalised anxiety disorder. Most people think that if I’m in a situation where I feel ‘threatened’ or ‘unsafe’ then I will feel anxious – for example being in a place that I am unfamiliar with no easy way of getting out. But that isn’t always the case, it can literally happen when I am in the comfort of my own home with nothing to fear, nothing happening and I have control of all situations.
When I was taking to my councillor about my emetophobia, she did mention ‘control’ quite frequently – and said that most emetophobe’s are control freaks and feel that they must have control of all situations, and I completely relate to that. That’s where I am struggling with having my job – I’m not in control of what happens around me and whether or not I can go home if I feel unwell, it’s up to someone else to judge whether or not I can leave the building, and yeah that freaks me out. I have had so many panic attacks at work that it’s kinda becoming a regular occurrence, it’s not pleasant or fun at all!
I’m hoping that I can soon sort this out before it gets too out of hand – having a baby on the way does slightly take my mind off it all, but yet again makes my anxiety crop up now and again because I think oh god what if I have a panic attack when I’m out with my baby and I can’t get away quick enough?!
But this is something I’m going to have to deal with at the time if/when it happens! I know that having this baby is going to be the making of me and I will absolutely love him to pieces, I’m hoping he will save me from this irrational disorder.
What time is it where you are? 🙂
Thanks for reading,
Lots of love, Laura x